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27 December Mannequin. I'm so tired. It just WON'T end. Am i going to cry myself to my eventual sleep?. This closet depression is is going to kill me one day. But who cares right? No one. THEY NEVER. He wont, she wont. It hurts. But I pretend. I'm the fucking pretend-princess. Poser smile? Check. Fake ass cheery-ness? Check check check. You say you need me. But you BURN me. Burn burn. I'm charcoal, thanks to you. The truth is i never belonged, To this place. This group To you. And I'm an idiot for never really acknowledging that fact.With a capital-fucking I. I'm exhausted.TIRED of pretending. But if i stop, then Im a 'bitch'? You say. Or mean?. It is not my fault you can never handle the truth, It just isn't. But It is my fault that i pretend, and it's gotten to a point that i dont know when to stop.What is Dhriti without all the happy talk? And the big smile? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Just a big black hole. If you get too near, you'll get sucked into the mind-numbing self pity.So much, that you'll choke. Or Die. So a means to an end? I pretend, just to survive. And i wonder, is there any point to it? Who will even notice, if i pack up and leave?. Why should i delude myself into thinking, someone actually will?. I take you for granted, cause you're probably be the only one who would NOTICE. And i tried, i tried so much, but i can't i just can't love you the way i want, the way you want. But I'm not going to give up. However useless it may turn out to be, because dont you know? Im useless at trying, i dont know how to, i try to try , in vain. Obviously. What a fucking mistake.The biggest fucking one they've ever made. What fools. That's all i can call them. I miss you. So so much.I want you back. WITH ME. But you wont, you just wont. You had one choice and guess what you chose?I was too young to even fight, ma. But you just left, and i can never get you back. You sit up there, all high and freakin mighty, still feeding my head with obscure priceless memories. Making me wish i was his age, so i had more. More memories. Why didnt you wait? Why the fuck not?. I can hear you telling me to stop being a brat, i can hear that. it's so you. You make me fucking smile, when you arent even alive. Unfair, so unfair ma. I love you, not loved, because you will always be alive to me, in my head. Alive, beautiful, happy. You left him, and look. LOOK. He's in pain, in so much pain. And I'm not sure he's gonna survive it. He won't let me help him. Just like me, you said. You said we were too alike and look where that got us? Monosyllabic conversations. Picture perfect eh? Ditto and her daddy. It makes me laugh. So funny. And he? He just runs away. Just like you. He will never turn around and look. His defense. To forget the past. And you. I don't understand you. I don't understand why I'm supposed to explain myself to you. When you lost that right a long time ago, the day you let your pride and ego take over. Whatever, i have honestly grown numb to whatever you have to say. Somewhere deep down you mean something to me. And it sucks that you started you're guilt trip, only when i helped. and you didnt expect it. And you, i wanna help. After all we've been through. You've hurt me bad, so bad. And i hurt you back. So we're even. Can we go back to being how we were?. Haha, that sounds shallow. Like the mannequin i am, or choose to be. Laugh doll! Laugh. She will laugh. She will do whatever the fuck you want her to do. Untill one day, and after that she'll be gone.Drowned in her pathetic self pity. And you'll cry you're pseudo tears and find her replacement. And all peace will be restored. Life will fucking go on. You're happy, he's happy. So who the fuck cares? 22 March vbbfdgdfI am so out of it. G-O-N-E. Its like im living in this alternate universe, My head is spinning Literally Im not thinking, But just an hour ago i threw a glass vase at granny dearest's feet and told her off. and NOW im in for it.She's gonna do something extreme, like kick me out of the house or something. that wouldnt be so bad though, atleast i can take Tabbath along with me I mean she's like my Hobbes, Only not a toy tiger, Just a cat(a real one). XD Yesterday was a bad day. really bad. And today i got up. EXHAUSTED.my feet are barely moving, i feel soo drained out, My eyes are weak, My nose has started to bleed again, and i cant find those fucking painkillers Im so fucked. haha XD I cant believe im actually laughing, Yes, laughing at myself.and not chucking or smirking , The kind of one when you watch 'my name is earl' or any smosh video. yes THAT hard. *chugs frozen diet coke* and i have this japanese song stuck in my head and i keeep singing it out loud and vaishali thinks im some retard which i am. sigh. Oh well. DAMN that asimaa:P aww no i wub her:D Anyway I dont think im back to feeling like shit. I still fucking love myself, for the time being. i was with a whole bunch of ppl today, but i dint talk much and just kept listening to music, Just looking around ocassionaly cracking a mean joke, and mostly just watching how stupid people sound when they're excited Then realising that not too long ago, i was like that.Hyperactive and miss social, and atleast 50% normal. Mission anti-social is now becoming my livelihood, i dont feel the need to constantly be talking to people. I love being alone now, as much as i hated it. I shouldnt be like this, shouldnt push away the people i love and shut them out. But i cant help it...everything seems soo much EASIER. As much as i want to be like this forever, i dont want to... Im such a fucking bunch of contradictions. BLAH! As if. 16 March shmuck.So save your scissors for someone else's skin, My surface is so tough i dont think the blade will dig in. Save your strength, Save your wasted time. There is no way that I want you to be left behind. Go on and save your scissors, Save your scissors. 15 March XDYou know what, Being anti-social is well.. Pretty Great! Haha, i know. Me. ANTI-SOCIAL. yeah right:P But seriously its like something ive never tried before! I mean i am or WAS suchhh a people person, and was on the phone 24/7 and all. But now. BLAH. fuck that. hahaha, ive even started to crack the meanest jokes when im talking to people, just so they hang up or walk away.XD. The only people i talk to are people i havent seen, or dont have anyway personal obligations with. Coz you know people like that? they dont ask you questions. They dont go 'whyyy arent you talking to me' They dont get me soo fucking paranoid.. Andddd they're hellaaaaa fun. Sometimes i wish the people who knew soo well would figure that out and LEAVE ME BE. Pretty fucked up Dhritiiii ...XD .. hahahhahahahha, i CRACK myself up sometimes. Oh Oh. I dont feel like shit no more. Atleast for now As of now Dhriti Menon rocks her effing socks off ! *wooot* P.S. Stars and stripes and Infamous zombie kid are rocking they're socks offf toooooo *inserts grinning smiley* 13 March TANKSSSSSSSSSSS.Current obsessed with:- 1.Armor for sleep 2. Escape the fate 3.Tegan and Sara 4. Imogen heap 5.Alkaline trio (alll over again! after listen to radio!) 6.Imogen Heap Allll thanks to Akshara Reddi,Asima Mirza, Harsh Garbyal(yes.really.okay!), Varsha Ravindranath, KOTHIXXX! and Vaishali Bhate!! These dear dear people send me songs, and have helped me through my dramatic time of not having limewire Oh what a dreadfull time that was! LMAO! I love you knuckleheads! Send me songs! i'll love you more! hahaha! okay byeeeeeeeeeeeeee.! 03 March Public service annoucement."He signed a contract with the Devil,the Devil was promised his Soul and what did he get in return?Heartache.The Devil was his biggest fan.Watched him when he rose,when he fell,when he won and when he lost.Heartache.A wishful thinker. " The girl who wrote this is the best writer i have ever come across. EVER. go see for yourself.'http://socialletdown.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!D4D041C68ECCBE58!692.entry#post'
PREPARE TO ME AMAZED.
19 February My thoughts exactly.'these teenage hearts.. well they dont lastt... oh yeah oh yeah'
I wish i knew what ive become.WAiT i kinna have an idea of what exactly ive become.
but there should be a word for it right? I was going through my Old journals. And i seemed like such a happy kid those days.I wrote all about friends and boys and clothes and everything a teenage girl would write about. But now? if i write in my journal, Ill probably write something like this sucky blog. About how i want to die right now. About how i think im gonna faint.About how i want to drink a lotta frozen coke and get hyper just for the heck of it.About how i have no one to talk now.
Everyone is mixed up in their own life, why should they even care right? I figure, that only asima is gonna understand what im saying. She's been through alot. Oh maybe im being too presumptious.maybe my other friends feel the same way?. uhhh i dont know.And even if they do, all i do is push them away. Instead of telling all this to my best friend, i choose to tell the whole population of msn spaces. Whoever who is actually reading. Is it confrontation im afraid of? or do i just like the drama of it all?
I spoke to an old friend today, and when i asked him 'what up with you ?' he had alot to say. he was soo excited about life and everything. He just kept talking and i couldnt help smiling , Good ol nirav.! You know i really envy people like that. Im not saying they're life is perfect.. but they just seem to like life. without being too judgemental, or being critical, or being whiny. They just take things as they come. Ive become this hateful, moody, angry creature.I have dreams where im beating up people, dreams with violence and all such stuff
There is this one dream i have repeatedly... which wakes me up in a jerk evrytime i have it. i cant explain, its too horrendous. But it never changes. A reason why ive become an actual insomniac. I only fall asleep with the lights on now. Because the darkness scares me.
bUT WHYY? i loved the darkness? Maybe if my heart stopped beating
it wont hurt this much. Ha, i cannot believe im contemplating death. Lol i used to hate all this.
Last night i saw this documentary on the sumalia genocide back in 1994 for. and seeing all those dead bodies that, i started bawling. REALLy. like realll tears!
It was soo fucking weird. i fucking freaked my self off. Since when do i CRY?!?!
I start to get annoyed very fast, sometimes even when my cat comes up to me and pounces on me , i scream and push her off. i feel bad and go and cuddle up to her later. But that doesnt get the guilt off my conscience.
And now ive stopped caring most of the people around me. fuck them. most of them suck anyway.
But you'll probably read in my next blog about how i love people. I dont think i can live without them. since when have i started contradicting myself?
So if u care enough to see, you can, go ahead take advantage of me. Because i love the attention and when your done using me , throw me back into my little hole. ill stitch myself back up, crawl back up and get used again
Over and over again. Because i want to be worthy of someones love. even though its fake.
Its fake. its all fake. Your a fake. I am a fake.
And nothing is wrong with that , fake is the new trend.
This is me now. The angry hated girl.
But i know im pretty on the inside.
07 February Her sinnerOkay first of all Penny lane(Asima) and I would like to thank Ms Bhagyalakshmi daga . If it wasnt for her awesome blog about rape victims, we would have not been able to write this, infact i dont think we would have been able to come up with the idea!! Thanks BL! you rock your freakin' socks of girl!:D
Asima and i were up late last night, chatting and swapping songs as usual. Then we decided to write a song about the feelings of a rape victim. Ms penny lane and i have very different styles of writing, even then , we mixed our stuff up together , and the song.. turned out to be pretty good. *modest*
P.s. Asima came up with most of the stuff:P
anyway here goes:-
They want me to talk..they want to know how i am feeling..i see them looking at me
i feel the presence of your soul somewhere in my body i cant cry anymore tears run down my face its discomforting anger is on my mind I hear your voice in the silence screaming threatning to tear me apart i fucking hate you you tore me apart, you broke me down i look at myself in the mirror misery is now my master its been a year, 27 January In loving memoryHe was a strong, independent, wonderful individual . A true menon. And even though i wasnt exactly his favourite, ideal grandchild. But i knew that he cared for me. And yes i will miss him. We all miss you we all love you. In loving memory of my of P.k menon, a father, a mentor, a loving grandad. 1920-2007
may your soul rest in peace. 15 January Ugly.x Its just one of those days when youre doing the wrongs things but its just feels right x Its just one of those days when you want it to rain so bad but it doesnt. x Its one of those days when your favourite person becomes your least. x Its one of those days when you revel in someone else's misery and actually feel good bout it. x Its one of those days when you rip your favourite t-shirt just for the heck of it. x Its one of those days when you feel like crying but you laugh instead. x Its one of those days when your ignoring the ppl you should'nt be ignoring. x Its one of those days when wearing your favourite all stars and thicky kohl-ing your eyes doesnt make you fell good about yourself. x Its one of those days when you look and feel hideous. x Its one of those days when your hair just doesnt seem to set! arghhhhh qwlkiqyeiwlgfj! x Its one of those when you listen to janes addiction the whole day long . x Its one of those days when you talk to your cat because you know she'll surely listen. x Its one of those days when everyone around you fucking pisses the helll outta you! x Its one of those days when you misss someone soo much that you forget how it was like to be happy. x Its one those days when you write sad, pathetic blogs like these just to get attention. x Its one of those days when you wonder how your gonna survive more days like these.
FUCK THIS SHIT.
11 January Currently obsessed with this song =)I know you
so better than the city in the rear view I drive to eliminate the ball that I'm chained to Take me break me every mile further there's a part of me that slips away One day you'll see Even if you got down on your knees you couldn't make me stay Drive all night Never gonna get me Night by night To get away from it all Fight fight fight All you wanna do is hurt me You wrecked my life So I'm gonna have to drive all night I'll stay strong I'm pushing on the pedal till I break dawn So I'm gone, go find another shoulder you can cry on Take me break me every mile further there's a part of me that slips away One day you'll see Even if you got down on your knees you couldn't make me stay Drive all night Never gonna get me Night by night To get away from it all Fight fight fight All you wanna do is hurt me You wrecked my life So I'm gonna have to drive all night You wrecked my life So I'm gonna have to drive all night You wrecked my life So I'm gonna have to drive all night You wrecked my life So I'm gonna have to drive all night All of the things that you knew that I'd try All of the things that I held inside All I gotta do is drive Drive all night Never gonna get me Night by night To get away from it all Fight fight fight All you wanna do is hurt me You wrecked my life So I'm gonna have to drive all night You wrecked my life So I'm gonna have to drive all night You wrecked my life So I'm gonna have to drive all night You wrecked my life So I'm gonna have to drive all night you wrecked my life so I'm gonna have to drive all night The all american rejects rock my freaking socks off! 08 January The dawn is breaking...Between....... the 'ill kill you' songs and the soppy love ballads exists the life of Dhriti menon. 18 December ha.Here's to us. the losers, the freaks and the fuckwits. For once lets be proud of ourselves. coz we know, we fucking RULE. Hey bro props at the after show Can you tell me where the greenbuds grow? I'd like to say you turned my life around I lost myself outside again With the sound running through my head Drowned out way out in the crowd and the crowd goes singing My people are the misfits The ones that don't fit in With the smile I know it comes within I can feel you in the corners laughing when the lightings low They say Tick tick. tell me where the time goes Oh life, you know it moves much too slow Tick tick tell me where the time goes Those are the ones for me Those are the ones for me The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me Those are the ones for me Those are the ones for me The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me My people are the misfits I won't let you down I'm dizzy from whatever we just passed around I bleed for the moments when we're here And we're all around They say Tick tick. tell me where the time goes Oh life, you know it moves much too slow Tick tick tell me where the time goes Those are the ones for me Those are the ones for me The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me Those are the ones for me Those are the ones for me The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me Those are the ones for me Those are the ones for me The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me Those are the ones for me Those are the ones for me The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me Bring it all down, they say (Alright, alright) Bring it all down, they say (Alright, alright) Those are the ones for me Those are the ones for me The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me Those are the ones for me Those are the ones for me The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me The misfits, the freaks, the enemy, you and me best song ever. 'the misfits by third eye blind.' 04 December arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhSERIOUSLY . what the hell is her problem?
OKAY finee Im a stupid retarted kid with faded shoes! BUT its not like she should care na?
Yes. i had another arguement with the tyrant..well it was a tad better than the rest. It dint include yelling, hurling insults and slamming doors.
BUT. it's like for everything i do, there are about 200 complaints. Even if i do the RIGHT THING.
You know what i realised? This older generation ka people na? all they want to do is find fault with people younger than them.Whatevr THEY do is ALWAYS RIGHT. but when someone younger does it... BAM! its not right!.. They think there main purpose in LIFE IS TO MAKE SURE ppl younger , are miserable.
I am soo moving out next year. 01 December The adventureOkay, todays the day i realised that my school life is welll.. over. Grade 12 is ending, only got cramming and exams to concentrate on. No more attending classes, no more making fun of teachers, no more bitching about teachers, no more skipping class and taking longg walks aroudn school, No more boring assembly's where GSS or MRP give us lectures on how we should not bring cellular phones to school or how we should behave.... no more bullying the juniors! ( IM GONNA REALLLY MISS THAT).. no more joking about how emanuel's shorts are TOO SHORT and TOO white(total contrast of his actual skin color:P). No more jumping over the walls and bunking school! No more being chased by the security guard when were running outta the temple gate!.
No more school lunch!!!!!!(on a regular basis) *cries*....No more sports days, no more singing competitions......no more basketball for school..........*bangs head to the wall!*
Over three years ago, one this very rainy day i sat and thought of school getting over for me..at that time i made up my mind that by the time i leave school i should have a boyfriend(lmao!),i must 5'5' feet, and must have red streaked hair.lol!.. two of which i have already accomplished... the third..well ... i am gonna okay!:P!
Sports day was 2 days ago, It used to be (or still is) my favourite school event. And this year it was my last. Obviously i had a blast! It was my last time for evrything, the marching, the races, cheering for my house,. Agreed, i can come back next year and watch the whole thing but whats the point when your not a part of the whole process anymore? Being part of it and watching evrything is wayyy better than looking at evrything from the outside.. Being apart of something means being wanted...which im afraid wont be the case for me anymore. After the whole ceremony was over.. all of us ran around taking pictures! having a good time .. playing 'goldspot' (man I HAVE SOOO LOST TOUCH WITH THAT GAME!)... me and snehs hugged each other like twenty times..zaffy and me just kept making fun of ppl:P..and sambhav ,mariyam and me just talked about school and stuff.. And ofcourse vaishali kept walking around with her camera!it was pretty nice.. once it got darkk we took a walk around school..As i walked across the throw ball grounds and middle school... i started remembering all those times in grade 6 and 7 when we used to play seven stones...just another excuse to hit each other with a ball!:P and in grade 7 rohini (shankar) my arch enemy at that time:P pushed abhimanyu over the ledge of the first floor of the durand block! Lol the only time i cheered for her:P:P:P:P!!. I remember the time i got into lotaaa trouble.. tieing shraddha's hair to the back if her chair..!! i think i was even told not to attend school for two days! The place where we ate lunch everyday! And the time ramya and i used to walk up and down the hallway just so she can peep into 9'b' and catch a glimpse of her guy! ..evrything ... all the memories...started to flash before my eyes... and for the first time i really felt that i was gonna miss the place!...i closed my eyes and said to myself 'it aint over ..youve still got time till graduation girl'...but somehow i coudlnt seem to convince myself....i had to admit it to myself.... It was over.
I knw what youre thinking, 'this chick is getting way emotional'...Well i guess thats the only half truth.....
The real deal is that ,in school.. im recognized..as someone! I have some importance. Since its kinna the opposite situation for me at home.School makes me feel nice... people know me .. and god forbid! but some people actually... LIKE me. School is my home away from home...my solace. Im afraid of what the future holds for me. Life after school. Every time that scary thought passes through my mind i shiver... literally. IM really the messed up teenager who has no idea what to do with her life...and now i havta leave the only place im remotely attached too! I love it with all my heart and now its been taken away from me. Im gonna miss the buildings, the grounds, the events that take place and most of alll im gonna miss it as a place where ive meet the most amazing people ever. where ive made the best of friends.. who i knw are gonna stick with me for life.
But as usual Dhriti Menon will stay strong and will eventually get through life.. knowing she can rely on her friends for everything!
So thank you! thank you Hps.for teaching me everythin.. for giving me evrything i evr wanted and for keeping me happy and sane. Its been an adventure! a bloody good one! Im a true blue 'eagle' and always will be!
*God keep this school and all who hearin dwell... save from all harm and evil's mighty spell.....(i sing into the night)*
19 November /////\\\\\\hahha you think i fucking CARE???
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHA
think again you fool.
Oh wait, for you to think means you will havta really stress that pea sized brain of urs. aww you poor baby thats gonna be hard isnt it?
Your pathetic, self absorbed and a friggin pain
please just get the fuck outta my life.
22 October kdshlajshgljfdasgfkasgfjkasljfgIm pretty outta it today. My head is spinning. i think i took many painkillers so im laughing when i wanna cry. I feel like wringing a certain someones neck but i know i wont because i just love the person too much. and Yes i knw what youre thinking and i knw im pretty messed up.. so dont keep reminding me that i am. anyway i dont reallyy have much to say so let these song lines do the talking. (not LIke you care anyway)
Maybe I'm a bit complicated, all I know is I don't cry for pain
Don't cry from fear, you know that I don't cry in the rain, no not a tear, you know that Before you leave When you go I think you oughta know Don't cry for pain (by ana johnson)
Swallow poison
Swallow every word Said to free you from blame I'll stand below you, lift you up, increase the pain I'll stand below you, lift you up, increase the pain (By refused)
On the underground,
With the freaks and frowns, Looking at the world, Through silver clouds, But then it all came down. I've gotta rise above The emotional flood, Gotta cut these ropes around my hands, Pull myself around (just a day by feeder)
16 October Born to lead. The drama, and the political issues, the FIR'S , the false accusations, the spray painting incidents, the ongoing wars between students and teachers..... with all this being a part of the daily routine of a student of The Hyderabad Public School. who knew? WHO knew they still remembered how to have fun?
The isc/ icse sports meet this year proved that. Three whole days of pure fun and school spirit and ofcourse a whole lotta winning!. Our school won basically everything!. as usual :D:D!
Both the boys basketball teams kicked asss! they beat every bloody team mercilessly.Lol ! it was pretty fun to watch some of those sidey schools losing like that.(yes i am a sadist .i find pleasure in someone else's misery). And ofcourse the senior girls team.whuppedd ass tooooo!! From losing our first match last year to winning every match this year...damn... its been quite a wait! to take our revenge!. I remember a year ago, after losing that match.. mariyam and i were talking... and we pledged that we havta win the next year. no Matter what! And ofcourse under mariyam's brilliant captaincy and with all our hard work. we did it . WE ACTUALLY DID IT. and to top it all! meghs, yam, uday, mariyam and i got selected to go for the NATIONALS. now that is FUCKING AWESOME!!..woooohooooo
The junior girls did pretty well too.. they got the second place..Even though they're team wasnt good enough. They fought and just did not give up. cheers to you guys!
Ill never forget those three days. All the cheering. All the 'worstt failll's"! and the 'ayooo bomb's'.. all the laughing and booing the other schools. All those ice creams we ate.(that kwality walls guy must've minted whole lotta money).All that nonsense talk about random things.All the hugging and clapping and doing the theermal dance thing after every HPS victory.All that cheering for sohaila, dundoo,snehs,and roh roh during the the 4x100 swimming relay.All the hooting and encouragement for the whole atheletics brat pack.Taking that video of vidhur sleeping , and trying those weird gay handshakes that seemed hilarious at the time. The nervousness before every match. The thrill we got everytime zafar, karan or yamini scored. Ananth and megha's non stop bullshit talk...lol and PADI!! that fellow and his crazyness.... hilarious!!!.Abhinav eating nanking chicken on the court!. lol wat a crackhead.!
Ill never forget going for lunch on the second day after our victory against nasr.. all 10 of us fitting into vinny's indica..hahhahahah.. man! we actually FIT IN!. Then that sweet lime juice sneha and i drank which had soo much sugar that it made both of us go hyper in athe crazyy way!. The time when soli and sneha called each other on their cellphones when they were sitting right next to each other!hahhahahah.. i laughed for like half an hour for that! The way we added a 'slu' to everybody's names. Dhriti became slriti, zafar became slafar, ajitesh became slujitesh!!..(dont ask why.. longgg storyyyy). On the last day of the event we sang for daman!(since it was his b'day).. and the look on his face.. hahahahhahahahhaha...funnnyyyyy!!!
But most of all what really brought us together was our determination and spirit to win and to have fun while we did!We worked so hard to make it happen. and it did!. Realising that i wont be playing another isc tournament ever since this is my very last year of school..made all this even more special!.
What makes H.P.S rock is the students. NOt the hypocritical tyrannical teachers, not the grounds, not anything. except US. We just proved to the world that we're here to stay. That we are born to lead.
'.......The eagles will keep flying higher.... higher than ever'
AMEN.
04 October ---------------First they put away the dealers,
then they put away the prostitutes
then they shooed away the bums
and beat and bashed the queers,
Turned away asylum seekers,
fed us suspicions and fears.
We dint raise our voice,
we dint make a fuss
Its funny there was no one left to notice
When they came for us. |
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