I'm so tired.

It just WON'T end.

Am i going to cry myself to my eventual sleep?.

This closet depression is is going to kill me one day. But who cares right?
No one. THEY NEVER. He wont, she wont.
It hurts.

But I pretend. I'm the fucking pretend-princess.
Poser smile? Check.
Fake ass cheery-ness? Check check check.

You say you need me. But you BURN me. Burn burn.
I'm charcoal, thanks to you.

The truth is i never belonged, To this place.
This group
To you.
And I'm an idiot for never really acknowledging that fact.With a capital-fucking I. I'm exhausted.TIRED of pretending.
But if i stop, then Im a 'bitch'? You say. Or  mean?. It is not my fault you can never handle the truth, It just isn't.
But
It is my fault that i pretend, and it's gotten to a point that i dont know when to stop.What is Dhriti without all the happy talk? And the big smile?
Nothing, absolutely nothing. Just a big black hole. If you get too near, you'll get sucked into the mind-numbing self pity.So much, that you'll choke.
Or Die.

So a means to an end? I pretend, just to survive. And i wonder, is there any point to it?
Who will even notice, if i pack up and leave?. Why should i delude myself into thinking, someone actually will?.

I take you for granted, cause you're probably be the only one who would NOTICE. And i tried, i tried so much, but i can't i just can't love you the way i want, the way you want. But I'm not going to give up. However useless it may turn out to be, because dont you know? Im useless at trying, i dont know how to, i try to try , in vain.
Obviously.
What a fucking mistake.The biggest fucking one they've ever made.
What fools. That's all i can call them.

I miss you. So so much.I want you back. WITH ME. But you wont, you just wont. You had one choice and guess what you chose?I was too young to even fight, ma.
But you just left, and i can never get you back.
You sit up there, all high and freakin mighty, still feeding my head with obscure priceless memories. Making me wish i was his age, so i had more.
More memories. Why didnt you wait? Why the fuck not?.
I can hear you telling me to stop being a brat, i can hear that. it's so you.
You make me fucking smile, when you arent even alive.
Unfair, so unfair ma.
I love you, not loved, because you will always be alive to me, in my head.
Alive, beautiful, happy.

You left him, and look. LOOK. He's in pain, in so much pain.
And I'm not sure he's gonna survive it.
He won't let me help him. Just like me, you said.
You said we were too alike and look where that got us?
Monosyllabic conversations.
Picture perfect eh? Ditto and her daddy.
It makes me laugh. So funny.

And he? He just runs away. Just like you.
He will never turn around and look. His defense. To forget the past.

And you. I don't understand you. I don't understand why I'm supposed to explain myself to you. When you lost that right a long time ago, the day you let your pride and ego take over. Whatever, i have honestly grown numb to whatever you have to say. Somewhere deep down you mean something to me.
And it sucks that you started you're guilt trip, only when i helped. and you didnt expect it.

And you, i wanna help. After all we've been through. You've hurt me bad, so bad. And i hurt you back.
So we're even.
Can we go back to being how we were?.

Haha, that sounds shallow.
Like the mannequin i am, or choose to be.
Laugh doll! Laugh.
She will laugh.
She will do whatever the fuck you want her to do. Untill one day, and after that she'll be gone.Drowned in her pathetic self pity.

And you'll cry you're pseudo tears and find her replacement.
And all peace will be restored.
Life will fucking go on.
You're happy, he's happy.

So who the fuck cares?